Why Do Christian Men Cheat?

By Sabrina D. Black, PhD

That is a good question! If you ask 20 people, you will get 20 different answers. I polled men from different denominations and others who only identified themselves as Christians.

Before we look at their responses, let me provide a few definitions. Often we define cheating or an affair by whether or not there is sexual relations. However, to cheat, have an affair, commit adultery, or sin against God, your body, and your spouse is defined in many more ways including:

•    Sexual behavior that is desired or realized outside of the confines of marriage;
•    A sexual liaison outside of the marriage relationship;
•    A violation of God’s holy ordinance concerning marriage;
•    A voluntary sexual act between a man/woman and someone other than his/her spouse;
•    Non-sexual behavior that involves sharing intimate feelings and thoughts with an extramarital partner, and secrecy which violates trust;
•    Sexual behavior outside of the marriage that violates the explicit or implicit expectations of the relationship;
•    Lack of sexual boundaries and regards for intimacy; and,
•    An amorous relationship between two people who are not married to each other.

The responses to “Why do Christian men cheat?,” (I call them “The Dirty Dozen”) along with my commentary is provided below.

1. SIN NATURE

Infidelity studies show numerous reasons why men cheat. I am sure you can identify a few reasons of your own. However, for me, SIN continues to be the problem that plagues us most often when we look at the issues of life. 1 Corinthians 7:2 “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.” 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know God.”

2. LACK OF SELF CONTROL

As creatures of unbridled cravings, we are accustomed to getting what we want, when and how we want it. When we do not get our desires met, we feel compelled to fulfill our own lust. 1 Corinthians 7:5 “Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” If the wife or the husband does not mutually consent, it is clear Satan will tempt you to commit adultery, but you have the power that is available to overcome the temptation.

3. CHRISTIAN WOMEN CHANGE

Yes, from the time they marry, Christian women are changing, but hopefully for the better. She should be more desirable than before because she has become a virtuous woman who is more loving, kind, gentle, submissive, and forgiving. Her husband can safely trust her, why would he cheat on such a woman. Unfortunately some woman change and become self righteous, super spiritual, and too holy to love or make love.

4. SAME REASON AS OTHER MEN

What in the world does that mean? He would cheat for any of the twelve listed reasons and more. A brother like this needs help; God’s, yours, and mine. Every man needs to be responsible for his own actions and not follow or fall for the things of this world. He needs personal accountability. God forbid that he is led astray because he believes that any of these 12 reasons are acceptable.

5. PRESSURES OF WORK

Pending deadlines, meeting quotas, high expectations, limited resources, and the fear of downsizing, outsourcing, and layoffs lead to extreme pressure. Computer access provides numerous outlets for anonymous relationships. Sex has become the drug of choice to relieve the pressures of the eight- to six- hour workday. Aware of stress and anxiety, companies provide counseling, gyms, training, workshops, and counseling to help.

6. SEXUALLY EXPLICIT MATERIAL ALL AROUND THEM

We are bombarded night and day with sexual materials. Some men actually seek out additional erotic stimulation. Although it is within our control to eliminate much of the sexually explicit material, Matthew 26:41 tells us to “Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak.” We need to be mindful to see no evil, hear no evil, and speak no evil. Men need to guard every gate through which sex may enter.

7. WOMEN MAKE IT EASY FOR THEM

Is this really an excuse? It is also easy to fall off a cliff, but I do not see many men falling. A man cannot do anything about their wife’s physical appearance, choice of clothing, and or willingness to indulge his sexual fantasy, but this should not change a man’s character. He can exercise self-control and flee a dangerous liaison. Every man has the wherewithal in God to remove himself from the temptation.

8. THEY WANT THEIR CAKE AND EAT IT TOO

For many men a polyamorous life is the stuff of which fantasies are made. But no Christian woman in her right mind is going to agree to an open relationship of three, unless it is the two of them plus God. When a man loves a woman the way that God intends, that will take all of his energy and attention. There will not be room for two women; that is a nightmare not a fantasy.

9. BOREDOM

Sexual excitement, stimulation, and the desire to overcome boredom has been cited as a reason that more sex, sexual variety, and satisfying sexual curiosity leads men to cheat. A client once told me that the missionary position is for missionaries and that men want women who live this side of the free world not those who lay straight. Sex on Saturdays, special occasions, or every other week has become routine for some men. But just as these same men can create an atmosphere of romance somewhere else, they can light a fire to rekindle love at home as well.

10. IN NEED OF A CONQUEST

The hunt, the chase, the capture, the kill. Men look for women they cannot have and set them as targets for sexual exploits. They pursue, cajole, and say whatever in order to seduce unsuspecting women and lure them away from the path of righteousness. These men want you until they get you, and then they are done with you. It strokes the male ego to add another woman to the list of conquests. I am sure you have heard it before that “she’s just another notch on his bedpost” or “another name in his little black book.”

11. FORBIDDEN FRUIT

The lure of forbidden fruit has been a temptation for ages. That which we should not have seems enticing, tantalizing, and intoxicating. Things that are forbidden give us a sense of entitlement and make men believe that they deserve more, better, different. It also gives the illusion that the man himself has a greater image in his own eyes. A man will also desire to eat what seems sweet forbidden fruit, if his spouse serves bitter criticisms by pointing out what is wrong with him when others see the good in him.

12. LONELY AT HOME / UNMET EMOTIONAL NEEDS

Sex may be the primary reason men cheat, but it is usually not the only motivating factor. The top three reasons women cheat is also one of the reasons that men cheat. These reasons relate to unmet emotional needs, the need for connection and intimacy, and thedesire for attention. Quality time spent together, laughing, playing having fun; sharing secrets, hopes and dreams with one another is important.

Christian men who will not be faithful continue to pose a growing problem for lasting relationships. It can be shocking for a woman when she discovers that her spouse is cheating even though she may have seen the signs of infidelity for months. Even more shocking is learning the fact that other Christian women are facing the same heartbreak. They are hit by shock waves when they know how many among their circle of friends have lived through similar situations.

Next Week:  Dr. Black looks at how couples can recover when faced with infidelity.