by Jackie Savi-Cannon

“We assume siblings play a certain role in our family.”
I was reminiscing with a good friend of mine and my sister about various things we had experienced together in our past, over dinner.  My sister is eight years younger than I am so when we were growing up, that age gap would find us going through very different phases of our lives, at the same time.

For example when my sister started junior kindergarten, I was going into my last year of elementary school.  As I was working on my university degrees, I was also proof reading her high school papers and chaperoning her parties, when my parents were on vacation.  Being a good big sister, I also took the flak for the damage that was done by these parties seeing my parents assumed it was me anyway.

There are numerous theories and philosophies on sibling relationships and the roles they play in the family dynamic.   Our place in the sibling food chain also impacts the choices we make in our mates based on the roles we are used to playing in our family.

As a first born child, I tend to exhibit some of the classic characteristics - strong leadership qualities (can be bossy); confident (can be self-absorbed); good delegation skills (can be demanding and likes to have things done for her); likes to take risks (forever rebelling against neurotic first time parents).  You get the idea.

Interestingly enough, my husband Jay is a ‘little brother’.  He is a great compliment to my personality because in many ways my brother-in-law exhibits the same characteristics that I do and Jay has grown accustomed to dealing with people like me.  As to not get off on a different tangent let me also say there are exceptions to every situation and theory on family and the relationships we create.

As my friend, sister and I were talking, my sister brought up the time when we had to put our cat to sleep.  We adored this pet we had for over eighteen years.  We went to the Vet together not knowing what to expect but knew that our precious cat wasn’t going to get better.  As the Vet explained our options, we both stood there crying knowing that the inevitable was going to happen. We made our decisions and the Vet was preparing for the process.  I told my sister that I could not stay and watch.  I was too upset to stay in there and had this overwhelming need to leave.  My sister said she wouldn’t leave our cat alone so she stayed. I stood outside the building sobbing in the rain.

“I knew to follow my gut.”

In our recent conversation, my sister said she still couldn’t believe I left her in there alone. The only way I can explain it was for whatever reason, I knew I had to get out of that room. I knew for my own well-being, I had to leave. I knew my sister was old enough to take care of herself and she needed to realize it. She needed to experience a grown up moment. A moment where she needed to understand that there may be a time where she would have to lead the family. Did I know that when I ran out of the vet’s office balling – standing in the rain at the side of the building? Absolutely not. I didn’t need to know that because I knew enough to follow my gut.

“So often you assume the older siblings will be the beacons of wisdom and leadership.”

What does that mean in the dynamic of the family world? That was one of my sister’s layers of prep which helped equip her to handle the day my dad’s drinking problem came to a head. She was the one that took the lead and she handled it brilliantly. He is sober and thriving now. We are both very proud of him.

So often you assume the older siblings will always be the beacons of wisdom and leadership but now and then the younger one steps up while the others repair and heal. I believe these layers, plus my cancer diagnosis; in addition to the other many layers that are only known to my sister, are preparing her to be the best mom, wife and woman she can, while still trying to maintain her identity. That is her way of being part of the shift.

The magnificent change that is unfolding ahead of us. I don’t just see it in her but also in the many other people I care about who are the ‘babies’ of their families. For all the younger siblings out there; I speak for the older ones. We do appreciate that perfect moment that you needed to step up. Even though you weren’t exactly sure if you did all the right things. It all worked out. We know you did it right because you followed your gut instinct.  Regardless of our place in the family tree, we all play a vital role.

If nothing else, remember to trust your inner voice because this role extends into everything we choose to engage in.

Filed under: Author Jackie, Life, Relationships