by Karolyn Hart

 It might seem odd to find an article written about being happily unmarried by a woman who has been married for over a decade and is actually quite happily married.  It all started with some well-meaning comments from different people in my life that I really should start having babies soon!  They continued on that I am not getting any younger and that once I had children I would really understand what it is to love, live and experience fulfillment.

Whatever.

It’s not that I don’t understand how a child transforms one’s life.  It’s just that I find intrusive comments into my personal life quite bizarre.  Especially when it comes from those who do not know me very well.  As I shared this frustration with some of my friends (the majority of which have never been married or are divorced and in some cases do have children) they began to share their own stories with me.

Never Been Married
In the US there are over 37 million people who have never been married between the ages of 25 and 39.  According to a book published by Ethan Waters called “Urban Tribes: A Generation Redefines Friendship, Family and Commitment” this group of singles is the first generation to have grown up with divorce not long-term marriage as the norm.  Highly educated they are completely content to pursue hobbies, areas of interest, socialize, and travel using time that would have previously been spent raising children.

Is There Still A Stigma?
There was a time where a woman who was not married by the age of 30 was thought to be an “old maid” and faced a stigma from both friends and family.  So is there still an ‘old maid’ stigma for women?  The answer is yes.  In Canada the average age for first time bride increased from 22 to 30 over the past 25 years. It has become socially acceptable to delay marriage until your mid-thirties in light of education, careers, and the urging to not rush into marriage since so many now fail.  Speaking with friends however I’ve learned that this doesn’t mean there is no pressure to still be married and start a family. (That would explain the intrusive comments into my life.)

An unmarried friend of mine in her thirties told me she feels it is more socially acceptable for her to have been married and divorced then not married at all.  The fact that she has a highly successful career, travels the world, and is one of the funniest people I have ever met is of little consequence to her family. Unfortunately her family’s opinions seem to reflect the norm.

According to an article posted by the Orlando Sentinal people in the dating market are often less inclined to invest serious time in someone they feel is old enough to have been married but for one reason or another hasn’t.  Apparently someone who has been married and divorced can blame the failure on youthful indiscretion, which is easier to forgive then someone who is seen as being unwilling to commit at all.

What Defines Success?
The question we need to ask ourselves is why do some people have a need for everyone to be married with babies?  My personal belief is that people naturally relate to those who share similar experiences.  Life defining moments like marriage and birth help us identify how we relate to someone. 

The problem starts when a person chooses (for whatever reason) to pursue a life that goes against the social current.  I don’t believe the problem lies in the unmarried or those who don’t have children but rather in the people who decide that there is only one path to happiness and cannot see another way.

One day I hope to enjoy the blessing of motherhood but I have to wonder what it would be like if I announced I was not going to have children - ever.  I know that our immediate families would be very supportive (although the potential grandparents might be disappointed) but I know there are those in my life who would have a very difficult time accepting and understanding that decision.

I know women who would be offended to be told that their life is only successful because they are a wife or a mother. While their experience has enriched their lives it is not the complete definition of everything they are.  The same holds true for those who have not married or had children.  The very idea that you are unsuccessful until a certain life event is experienced seems ridiculous.  If that were true then women like Mother Teresa or Oprah would be seen as having unfulfilling lives.

The Happily Unmarried
Millions of dating sites and a multi-billion dollar romance industry would like you to believe that you are not truly happy until you find that someone special to share your life with.  Ask some of my friends who have never been married and they will tell you that while they struggle with loneliness it doesn’t mean they are not happy.  Ask some of my friends who are divorced and they will tell you they have come through some of the most difficult times in their lives but they still consider themselves very happy and fulfilled.  Those who are happily unmarried seem to have a life roadmap that no matter their circumstances defines who they are. This includes:

Having a Greater Purpose
Not that dating isn’t important but it is not the thing that drives their existence.  These ladies have a purpose and know that being in a relationship is not what defines them.

Being Positive
Research has shown that those who have an optimistic attitude enjoy such benefits as increased energy, healthier relationships and general overall health.

Being Active and Social
As humans we are wired to connect each other.  It may explain why so many take the plunge into marriage despite the increasing divorce rate. Those who are happily unmarried have a very strong network of friends, co-workers and social activities. 

No Settling
It’s unfortunate but there are many women in today’s society who settled for the spouse they currently have.  Women who are happily unmarried are willing to wait for an indefinite period of time for the right man.  They understand the significance of being married and the impact that the right or wrong person can have on an individual’s life.

Living the Successful Life
In the end a truly successful life has really nothing to do with your marital or parental status.  Not everyone is called to be a wife or a mother just as not everyone is called to serve the poor in India.    To lead a truly successful life you need to begin by understanding your own life purpose and then doing everything you can to fulfill it.

Filed under: Author Karolyn, Relationships