by Karolyn Hart  
 

I felt sick to my stomach when I realized my mistake.  I had just come through probably  the worst two years of my life with several people dying who were very close to me.  In addition I had started a new position and was going through some major life changes.  I am normally a very optimistic and happy individual but as is human nature I was in the throws of grief and trying just to survive day to day.  Which meant I was very self-centered.  Those who were close to me were compassionate and understood.  They gave me my space and allowed me to vent.  How much venting I was doing was the real problem.
 

I had unintentionally created a negative environment.  I was hurting and expressed it through complaining and negativity.  An occasional negative comment ‘here’ and a roll of the eyes ‘there’ began to add up.  I really had no clue that I had gotten to this point until I discovered how my actions had impacted this person.  As I sat before her and realized the pain I had caused I wanted to rewind time and change everything.  Unfortunately I couldn’t and for the first time in my life I found that I couldn’t “fix” something by simply apologizing.  It was actually a very humbling experience. So what can you do when you are faced with a dead end like this?  Is their hope?  The answer is yes. The good news about making huge mistakes (even ones that can’t be undone)  is there are even bigger lessons to learn that can transform your life.   Here is what I learned:
 

1. Get a Thermometer
Imagine getting up one bright morning. You see the sun and are excited to get your day started.  So you put on your shorts, a t-shirt, sandals, grab your sunglasses and head out. The problem is it’s February, you are in Northern Ontario and dressed all wrong.  Had you stopped and looked at the thermometer you would have known exactly what to wear.  The same goes for relationships.  Taking a temperature reading in your relationships will help you sort out any issues before they boil over.  Make a point of asking questions on a regular basis to those who you have relationships with such as:

• How are we doing?

• If there is one thing you would like me to start doing that I am not currently what would it be?

• Would you mind telling me if there is anything I should be working on in our relationship?

• What can I do to make our relationship stronger?

2. Be Accountable
Even with regular temperature readings a relationship can go sour.  When this happens you can either choose to ignore or deal with the problem.  Those who ignore the situation tend to make excuses or hide behind a cover such as “I’m stressed” or “If you hadn’t done A then I wouldn’t have done B.”  I could have easily hid behind my valid excuses.  What person in their right mind would challenge the death of a loved one?  It is human nature to defend yourself and so it was that I found myself doing that very thing.  There came a point however when I realized that the issue at hand wasn’t WHY I had behaved a certain way but rather I HAD behaved that way.  As I came to this realization I learned that an apology was in order and I needed to step up to the plate and own my poor actions.

Surprisingly when I did this I felt liberated.  I’m still not sure to this day how this person feels about the entire situation but I do know that taking accountability for what I had done made me feel strong.  It also helped me to wake up out of the coma I was in and start afresh. 
 

3. Don’t Expect Full Reconciliation
In an ideal world the person who takes accountability is provided the opportunity to fully restore the relationship.  That’s the best case scenario but it may also be unrealistic.  The best analogy I can use actually comes from my father.  He says, “You can forgive someone for slamming your hand in a door and really not hold it against them.  But the next time you are at that same door with that person you probably won’t be willing to put your hand in the same place.”

Sometimes our actions can deeply wound others whether intentional or not. It is important to remember that the person you are asking forgiveness from may never fully trust you again while they may have forgiven you.  Accepting this can be difficult but it is important to respect that individual’s feelings and to allow them to freely be in that place.  If you are given a second chance at complete restoration then consider it a blessing. 
 

4. Look To The Future
Since we are all human it stands to reason that at some point we will all make a major mistake in our lives.  Children learning to walk may stumble just as we will as we go through the journey of life.  The question is what do you do with your mistakes?  If you try to forget them or ignore them then you are selling yourself short.  It is during our ‘less than stellar’ moments that we can learn the most about ourselves.  More importantly we can learn what we want to change.

The next time you make a mistake try to take away the lessons from it by asking yourself some of the following questions:

• What did I do wrong in this situation?

• How could I have handled it better?

• If I were to do this over what would I do differently?

• What did I do right in this situation?

• What will I do differently in the future?

The good news is that you will be faced with the same scenarios over and over in life.  Which means you will have plenty of opportunity to continue perfecting how you handle difficult situations.  Choosing to take away a learning will allow you to grow and not become stagnate.  So the next time you realize your mistake - don’t despair.  Look at it as an opportunity to change, grow, and learn!

Filed under: Author Karolyn, Life