by Karolyn Hart

Have you ever had a really difficult conversation with someone? The kind where the other person seems to be relentless.  They challenge you, question you, and push you.  At the end of the conversation perhaps you do the respectful “we’ll agree to disagree” or maybe you don’t.  Maybe you storm away to lick your wounds and tell yourself thoughts like how mean they are and how you are so grateful that you are not like them.

I think we’ve all been there at some point.  Most people try to avoid these types of conversations at all costs.  It’s uncomfortable and painful.  At the end of the day, no one likes to hear that they have areas to work on.  Even though the truth is that we ALL have weaknesses that need to be addressed! 

Several years ago I came across the quote: “True friends stab you in the front.” - Oscar Wilde

It immediately resonated with me.  The fact is that human nature and gossip are intertwined which can often lead to back stabbing.  Breaking the chain of gossip takes no small amount of inner strength.  In fact, standing before a person (or a group of people) and telling them you will not gossip can either make you sincere fast friends or it can isolate you altogether.  The fight against gossip and idle talk is one that many will war against until the day they die.  I am proud of the times where I have been strong and kept my integrity in the face of the opportunity to gossip. Yet, there are times where I have failed miserably.

Now here is the irony in this. All of us have at some point in our lives been on the receiving end of a nasty word.  It is devastating.  Sometimes it is completely false and made up of assumptions, opinions, and hearsay. Other times it is true and a confidence has been broken.  Whether it is a lie or the truth it has the same result - we feel pain.

A reasonable person would feel that pain and decide to never do it to anyone else. Yet we do. Maybe it’s a joke made in jest or maybe it’s a conversation we never expect that person to hear. My favourite is when people actually use the excuse “we were talking because we were concerned about the situation”. As my father used to say; “Baloney!”

If we truly are concerned then why are we not taking it to the person? To honestly look at my life means I must accept and admit that I have been on both sides.  I have overheard conversations about me that were not complimentary and have experienced the pain as my “friends” have sounded like my enemies.  I’ve also found myself caught up in that moment.  As a child it was the fear of unacceptance and the desire to just belong that  made me do it. As an adult it most often has to do with venting my frustration about something. (And yes - I realize that in and of itself is childish! )

It doesn’t matter the reasons or the motivations - what matters is the impact.  I try to make it a practice of the “no surprise” factor.  If I have to talk about a difficult situation with a group of people regarding an individual, I will first speak with that individual and let them know. If I find myself in a group of people talking about someone and they are telling me this person has done something to me - I make sure those people understand that I am now required to speak to that person.  If someone says to me, “I need to tell you something but you can’t tell anyone.” I tell them “No problem!” as long as it only involves the two of us.

I wish I could tell you I was perfect.  I wish I could say that I never have bad moments.  There have been times where I’ve managed to maintain my respect in a difficult moment because “Adult Karolyn” knows that is where I need to be. Yet as soon as I think I’m alone I let off steam and have found myself mumbling under my breath.  I used to believe this was a safe practice until one day  I came around the corner to find the person standing there that I was mumbling about. They looked at me surprised and said “I thought we were ok?”

Ugh!  Fortunately, I am married to that person and I’ve learned that he can be very forgiving :-). 

This week I had the privilege (yes it is a privilege) of being grilled.  I was asked tough questions and forced to re-evaluate some of my approaches to things I am trying to do.  I walked away from the meeting in deep introspection.  I became grateful as I realized that if I accepted the comments I could be better and more successful. That’s the point! It’s hard to confront and challenge but in the end it makes us all better!

Filed under: Life