by Margaret Steel Farrell

The other day, my girlfriend was telling me about a friend of hers who is going through a difficult time right now. By the sounds of it, a number of significant pillars in her life are on the verge of crashing down around her – an ill parent, an extremely stressful work environment and simmering doubts about her choice of life partner. While this would be enough for most of us to begin unraveling, another confusing element is fueling this burdened woman’s growing sense of despair.

A few years ago, she made the courageous choice to leave an unhappy marriage. It would have been a difficult choice on its own but, to complicate matters, she had begun a relationship with another man in the few months prior to finally leaving. When concerned friends confronted her about the amount of time she was spending alone with this man, she insisted it was a much-needed friendship and refused to hear anything to the contrary. In this process of ending her marriage and beginning a new relationship, she alienated many of the people closest to her.

Unfortunately, the new man in her life began demanding large amounts of attention and she began canceling get-togethers with friends until, in time, she stopped nearly all social contact with anyone other than her new partner. So, fast-forward three years and here’s a woman whose life is caving in on her and she’s afraid she has no one to turn to because she ostracized all of her women friends in deference to a male partner who, it seems, simply isn’t equipped to provide her with the emotional support she needs.

My girlfriend expressed concern for her friend and a desire to help and all I could think was that I hope this hurting person takes the love and support that she so desperately needs right now. Because here’s the thing, many of us, in a similar situation, might actually keep ourselves out of reach of the love we need because we feel so conflicted by feelings of guilt, embarrassment and humiliation. Often, we stand in our own way of receiving the care others are so ready to give.

The truth is, no one wants to feel alone. We want to feel connected to the people who are dear to us, to the people we love and who love us in return. But reaching out when you’re in a pit of despair or self-induced humiliation is not easy. It’s probably one of the hardest things we can do because we fear reproach or “I told you so” or, worse, that the people we need don’t care for us anymore. But that’s our own pain talking. When someone truly loves you, it hurts them to see you in anguish and, if given the opportunity, they’ll reach in and give you a hand up in a second.

This past April, I took the trip of a lifetime to Italy and spent two weeks traveling between Venice, Cinque Terre, Pisa, Florence and Rome. It was the most amazing trip and I did it alone. Yup, I went by myself to a country where I don’t speak the language and it was marvelous! Most of the time. A few days in, I had an experience that not only frightened me but had me reeling with self-doubt and anxiety. There I was, on a foreign continent where I don’t know a soul, supposedly having the time of my life when I was suddenly stopped in my tracks by my own poor judgement. There was no one else to blame. You can imagine how alone I began to feel. And then I knew what I had to do.

Now, maybe because I continue to make numerous mistakes to varying degrees (and am one of those people who doesn’t hesitate to share these bungles with my nearest and dearest, often to the tune of hilarious laughter), when my girlfriend heard my voice on the other end of the phone and realized I needed to talk, she didn’t blink. She listened. She let me vent and tell her how stupid I had been. She reassured. She asked what I needed and helped me simply by being connected to me. Before calling her, I had done my own soul-searching and had come to some answers of my own – important work to do – but I was still feeling alone. Reaching out and knowing she was there, supported me like no answers could have. She made me laugh at myself, at the situation and at the fact that I was calling her from Pisa needing to talk, for crying out loud! Very good for the soul.

The point is, even though we all like to be alone from time to time, no one wants to feel alone. Heck, I flew across the Atlantic Ocean to experience Italy by myself and loved it! But, in a dark moment, I needed my friend to be there for me – to listen, to not judge and to tell me it was ok. And she was.

When I was in school, I remember a professor saying once that we should never hesitate to put up our hand in class if we had a question because there were likely three other people in the room with the same question.  You may think you’re alone in not knowing something and be too afraid to admit it but, when you do, you’ll more than likely find out there are others who had the same question, thought or idea.  Just knowing that we aren’t alone makes us feel better.

Funny thing is, I’ve never had a problem putting my hand up in class, ever – grade school, high school or university. BUT twhen asked to publish a few of my ideas on this website, holy moly, can you say “terrified?” Or perhaps “fear-induced paralysis” comes a little closer. Suddenly, I felt very alone. So I talked to a couple of friends and came to realize that I was doing the same thing I had observed my girlfriend’s friend doing.

I was paralyzing myself out of fear of humiliation. When, the truth is, not one of us is so different from the people around us. We may have different concerns or fears but the similarity we share is that we all have them. I realized that we are not alone in our human condition. I also realized that maybe sharing my own experience might help others feel a little less alienated.

None of us want to feel alone yet we put ourselves in these places where we think there is no way out. So I say take a chance with the people who love you. Reach out to someone you know will hold you tight and tell you it’s going to be alright. Make that “trans-Atlantic phone call.”

I wasn’t asked to write this column so I would make a fool of myself. I was asked by a friend to share some thoughts and that’s what a couple of friends helped me to see.  So whether you’ve made poor choices or had poor judgement, whether you’re afraid to follow your heart or follow your dreams, whether you’ve made mistakes or made a real mess of things . . .don’t be afraid to reach out or put up your hand or put yourself out there.   You’re not alone.

Filed under: *Margaret Steel Farrell, Life, Margaret's Musings