A woman and her shoes. What’s with this unparalleled relationship? How is it that a woman can break-up with a boyfriend without shedding a tear but nearly unravel when a favorite pair of shoes has seen their last wearable day? I don’t have a brief answer for this. But I do have a theory:

A woman’s identity is tied to her shoes.

I KNOW! I KNOW! It sounds ludicrous! How can the essence of who you are be tied to a piece of leather that you wear on your foot? Well, I see it like this: at every stage of a woman’s life there are specific types of shoes. Whether fancy or plain, practical or foolish, the shoes a woman wears from childhood through to old-age reflects where she is at and who she is becoming. As a woman evolves her shoes evolve. The two are inextricably connected.

It all begins with the adorable shoes our parents buy for us during the baby and toddler years. Little white ballet-flats with pastel pink flowers and a bright yellow bow. Princess or tomboy, we all wear these shoes. Because we have no developed sense of self. No ability to choose a shoe that reflects our personal style or character. So our parents do it for us. And the result is a shoe that represents how someone else sees us – angelic, sweet, innocent and perfect.

Fast forward to the “Tween” years – when we have one foot rooted in childhood and the other straining for the self-determination that comes with being a teenager. A nightmare phase of identity angst. We don’t quite yet know who we are. But we do know who we want to be: Accepted. Well liked. Normal. And all that comes with the right pair of shoes. We simply look at the popular teenage girl to see what she is wearing and know that if we have those shoes too – Espadrilles in summer and suede UGG boots in winter – our feelings of social inadequacy will disappear. But to our great horror we are still governed by our parent’s understanding of sensible footwear. Our determination to leap beyond our juvenile years is blocked by durable sneakers, sturdy boots and reasonable sandals.

Finally, we are teenagers! Young, hip, beautiful beings who have gained some semblance of control over our lives. And this new-found power is unmistakable through our footwear. From flip-flops and red patent-leather platforms to Doctor Martens and even slippers, our shoes are personal fashion statements that scream, “I am here!” to the world. The thing is – we don’t really know what it is we’re calling attention to. Our sense of self is undefined, kind of like a tornado. It swirls around and touches down briefly but doesn’t settle long enough for us to understand who we really are. As a result, the image we present is hasty, often foolish and not an accurate portrait of our true selves. Not that we care anyway. We have arrived! We are entitled! And you will notice us because we wear great shoes!

The advent of a professional life in our twenties and thirties encourages this youthful pattern of self expression. Only now our shoes reflect traits we would have shunned a decade before. Gone are the outlandish, silly accessories that called attention to our directionless character. And in their wake stylish, mature, elegant shoes that reflect our level-headedness and reliability. The inner storm has started to subside. We are getting a handle on our personal identity; we have a career, we have goals. And the sleek, sophisticated power-pump is a mighty tool in showcasing the sound judgement and solid character we now possess.

As we progress through the middle and senior years we don’t choose our shoes because of what we think they’ll tell the world. We choose them simply because we like them. We have a clear understanding that who we are on the journey is far more important than the accessories we wear along the way. So our shoes reflect our own sense of style, our personal tastes and provide the function we desire. We are content with ourselves and have nothing to prove to the world. The stiletto heel just isn’t as appealing anymore.

Our evolution as women is marked by our footwear. From young, fledgling beings who are governed by our parents to independent adults who have an established sense of self, our shoes reflect our development as individuals. They directly link us to periods of dependence and independence; to times of confusion and personal growth. The shoes we wear connect us to our inner selves.

So, while we may at times forsake a partner without misgivings, throwing away a pair of shoes isn’t so easy. Letting the shoes go means releasing the person we were when we wore them, moving forward to a newer, more developed self. I am sure there are many women who find this notion preposterous. And maybe it is. But if I ask you to recall your elementary school years, your high-school prom or your first job – I bet you can tell me exactly what shoes you were wearing!

About the Author

My own relationship with shoes has evolved over the years. In my early twenties I had the opportunity to work for a high end shoe store while going to school. For anyone that has ever worked in retail, you know staff gets first dibs on the new stock. Needless to say, with the help of my staff discount and promotions, I had developed quite a shoe collection. As I moved through various stages in life, my relationship changed. As an athlete and working in the fitness industry, performance shoes became a priority. Having children meant my shoes had to be versatile.

Now somewhere in the middle, my shoes represent something bigger. Like most women, I am a huge admirer of Oprah Winfrey. Many years ago I was watching a biography on her. The segment I was watching included a story about Oprah auctioning her clothes to raise money for charity. A woman in the audience was given the opportunity to talk about her own experience at the auction. This woman proceeded to talk about the difficulties she was dealing with at the time she went to the auction. She did not have much money and all she could afford was a pair of Oprah’s shoes. Oprah wears a size 10 and this woman was a 7. She didn’t care because she purchased the shoes anyway. She thought if she stood in Oprah Winfrey’s shoes maybe she could feel Oprah’s strength and resolve; maybe this would help her get through this difficult time in her life. I cried as I watched and it was obvious Oprah was moved as well. I have seen that biography often and cry every time I watch that segment. All I can think is how incredibly, fulfilling it must be to have that type of impact on people – to live your life in a way that is changing the world. If anyone deserves this satisfaction, Oprah does.

“Did they want to stand in your shoes?”

After sharing that story with my husband and actually making him watch the segment if he was in the vicinity, it has become a gauge to evaluate my work by. One day after a seminar I had done, I was telling him about all the wonderful feedback I had received afterward. In his usually witty way, he came back with “Did they want to stand in your shoes?” I had to think for a second and then chuckled.  That statement inevitable stuck so that now this is the goal of all my work. In sharing my knowledge and experiences in a humble, authentic way, I hope to connect with you or anyone else who shares my work in a way that fills you with a great sense of optimism and purpose.

How do you make someone want to wear your shoes? Here is a tip. Initially you connect and buy the shoes because the promotion around the shoe creates a certain energy or vibe. You buy the shoe because when you walk around the store twisting your ankles to see all the angles, you are feeling that energy. You may feel powerful, sexy, or fierce. The mistake most women make is when they take the shoes home and wear them out; they don’t allow themselves the well deserved opportunity to experience the shoes the way they were meant to. Ladies work those shoes and make the designer proud. You are entitled! So when you are looking for a way to justify that purchase, remember if they bring out your best and you wear them in a way that people want to follow, you’re getting an exponential return on your investment.

I like to think of myself as a person who grabs life by the horns and courageously tackles anything. In my professional life I can say that I’ve consistently (and yes intentionally) thrown myself into areas that allowed me to grow. When I was 21 working at one of my first “real” jobs a colleague (who later became a good friend) said she knew I was “different” because I once told her that “If I’m not over my head, I get bored.”

It explains why over the years I’ve always wanted to consume knowledge. Whether it’s learning a new skill, launching a new project, or taking on a new initiative - I absolutely love to be challenged. In fact, I became so comfortable in this state of challenge that I thought arrogantly to myself one day “I don’t have to deal with comfort zones because I just never allow myself to get in one.”

Ya - I should have KNOWN by thinking that I was asking for trouble.

It all began several weeks ago when we made new friends in our neighbours.  They are this wonderful couple that live up the street and are incredibly active.  They work around the yard together, walk together, and join in community events - like volley ball.   They asked my husband and I to join them for a friendly game with a group of people at the community centre up the street.

Now allow me to pause and say to all my friends and family that KNOW me (and are even now laughing at the idea of me doing anything sports related) that in all fairness to this couple - I have appeared to be mildly athletic.  They see me jogging past their house and hear how I am excited to get on my jet skis. So how would they know?

My hubby, fully aware of my difficulty in this area, sensitively approached me with the request and I accepted with cautious optimism.  After all, NOBODY thought that I would get up on our stand-up jet ski last summer and I not only did but was pretty decent. So I took a deep breath, and agreed.

We were half-way to the community centre when the first warning flag came up.  The last time I had played was Grade 5 and I started to get nervous.  My husband saw my anxiety and playfully asked “Are you excited?”  I laughed and playfully replied, “Yes, in a ‘I hope I don’t humiliate myself’ sort of way.”

Then we arrived and entered the gymnasium.  Now here’s the thing…growing up as a child I was..how shall we say “not entirely popular”. I was lucky because some of the girl’s who were popular decided they liked me. This essentially mean that my “bully rotation” went significantly down starting on the day they accepted me into their little group. To this day I still feel appreciative of Danielle, Michelle, Heather, Holly, Leslie, Tricia, Tammy and Dawn - however I digress.

The POINT is that I was in every sense a classic book worm. For that matter I STILL am!  As I entered the gymnasium something crazy happened. I suddenly was transported back in time and all the old feelings of anxiety surrounding gym class came crashing in on me.

Darn it! It appears I DO have a comfort zone which involves staying as far way from team sports as possible.

I explained to the people around me that I had never really played and tried to joke about my awkwardness. (Note to self: it never worked in grade school it’s not gonna work now!)

I got a few pointers, got split on to the other  team away from my hubby, and spent the next 15 minutes playing dodgeball instead of volleyball.  You see dodgeball is something that “geeks” inherently understand.  Things careening towards us will ultimately “hurt” therefore you “dodge” and avoid pain.

However, something wonderful happened.  As I AM an adult who was playing with other adults they all started helping me out.  I watched as all these grown men and women just threw themselves around and that effort got the biggest applause. If you missed, no one cared - especially if you were throwing yourself into it.

The good thing about being a geek is that we tend to be quick learners. So I psyched myself up and said “Karolyn, you can DO this.” The next time that ball came over the net I was going to be there - and boy was I!

In what can only be described as the slow-motion play of the century I saw the large white mass of the ball lobbing over the net coming directly towards me. I was in the back row centre. I confidently called out “Mine!” and began the attack on not just a volleyball but all my sports related fears! Somewhere between my enthusiasm and throwing my body across the court it hit me.

No really - the ball hit me square on  the top of my head. In fact, it hit me so hard that it drove me to the ground. I found myself with my legs sitting out in front of me and my bottom planted firmly on the floor.  I was dazed and truly confused. Both sides were laughing but my team was screaming - with delight.

The ball managed to find it’s way back over the net off my head and the thing was still in play! We even got the point.  My team mates gave me high-fives and said comments like “Now THAT’s using your head!” when it occured to me.  I had just faced my fears head on (no pun intended) and it wasn’t nearly as awful as I had always imagined.

WIth my dignity now completely gone I became “slightly” more confident.  I managed to hit the ball with my head a second time (amazingly) and even did a play “off the net” which I later learned is generally more tricky - but to me it ALL felt difficult.

Can I brag and tell you that incredibly my team even won!! Only by one point but heck - we still won!

What it made me realize is that we are never done growing.  Even after we learn to do something, eventually we will become comfortable and it will be time to leave that zone.  I already understood the power of teams in the corporate setting but truly began to understand how a sports-game is a microcosm of life.  There are wins, there are failures - and at the end of the day whether you win or lose you can still have FUN.

I also learned that I’m completely ok with not really loving sports.  So am I going to do it again?

Well sure, but this time I’m staying on hubby’s team.  I discovered what I like best is having a fun experience with those I love.  Well, that and apparently I’m a super-powered athlete and I don’t want to stack the odds against my own husband.

What sort of trouble are you in lately? Have you recently lost something like..

… a job?

… a spouse?

… a home?

… an opportunity?

… a dream?

Then you just may be amongst the most fortunate and successful people in the world! Those of you who are jaded are staring at the screen with a sneer on your face, while those of you who are devastated may have just paused your crying for one second to grab another Kleenex.

Either way if you are in the middle of encountering major trouble and struggling with a bad attitude then this is the article for you!

It all started when I was reflecting that some of the best changes in my life were always preceded by the most by painful situations. Whether it was in my personal life or professional life - a major challenge always resulted in major opportunities.

I’ve had people tell me its because my “stars are aligned” and even that “I must have a lucky horse shoes shoved up my (ahem)” but I believe that it comes down to one simple thing - my attitude.

Apparently I am not alone AND I am in the company of many great people who have succeeded at many things. Thomas Edison said “I have not failed. I have merely found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” Winston Churchill commented that “Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.”

If these great men saw failure so positively, then why don’t more people? As I looked back over the various challenges in my life I realized that I did a few things right in how I handled the situations.  This approach allowed me to embrace, grow, and take (in some cases) the next step that brought me to a whole new level.

If “trouble” just unexpectedly showed up at your door here’s how to handle her.

Step One - Shut the Door and Grieve
Give yourself permission to be disappointed.  You’ve just experienced a loss and it’s important that you take the time to acknowledge it. The size of your loss will determine your grieving time.  Don’t feel the need to put on “airs” and pretend everything is OK when the entire world knows it’s not.  It’s ok to say “this sucks” or “I’m sad”!

Step Two - Decide to Count Your Blessings
Even in the middle of a loss it’s ok to  look around and remember you are blessed. Perhaps you were blessed for having a person in your life for as long  as you did - on  the other hand - perhaps you are blessed now that your energy is no longer being sapped from dealing with that person.  Perhaps, the only thing you can be grateful for is the pint of Chunky Monkey in your freezer. Whatever it is, take note of it!

Step Three - Decide to Learn a Lesson or Three…
Now it’s time to evaluate the situation.  Is there an area in your life that you need to get under control? Are you repeating the same mistakes?  Take the time to do some soul searching and decide that you will “fail forward” and that you will be stronger because of what you are going through.

Step Four - Get Moving
If you are really learning a lesson then you are going to take what you’ve learned in Step Three and DO something about it.  Need to change a bad personal habit?  Get accountable with a friend who will kick your butt. Need to grow professionally?  Take the necessary training to do so.  No idea what I am talking about? Find a mentor - they’ll tell you!

Step Five - Keep Yourself Encouraged
My favourite way to keep myself motivated is to read stories about people that had all the odds stacked against them.  In most cases you will  discover it was raw determination and perseverence that finally lead to their successes.  If all else fails read Helen Keller’s story.  If a deaf and blind women can be successful against all odds - what’s YOUR excuse?

The fact is that trouble and challenges allows us the amazing opportunity to discover our inner strength.  It provides the unique gift of shocking us out of our mundane existence and giving us the opportunity to reevaluate ourselves.

So the next time you see trouble coming - get excited. It’s probably just the beginning of the next chapter in your life!

I don’t know about you but when I read about a woman that is doing something extraordinary it gives me a swift kick in the butt to evaluate what I am up to. Thrive is about providing you with tools to make your life for full, but it is also about inspiring you to lead a full life. This month’s Inspiring Woman is someone who is dedicating herself to the outcasts of our society - inmates. She started an entire program called “Leaving the Cocoon (LTC) to help fill a desperate need. What amazes me about her is that she was a regular suburban homemaker, mother and wife that just happened to have a “defining” moment that launched her in a new direction. My interview with her made me pause and check my own judgmental attitudes. I hope you’ll be as inspired as I was. ~Karolyn

Q: How did you become involved in a Prison Ministry?

I had a friend who wanted me to travel with a team for weekend seminars. My first trip was to Carswell Federal Prison in Ft. Worth. I was hooked the first time an inmate came up and gave me a hug…I’m also a hugger.

Q: What do you think spurred you into action?

I saw the ladies coming back to prison after a few months of being released. It saddened me that we didn’t rehab. these ladies so I just started mentoring myself. My ladies were not returning.

Q: What do you think most people would find surprising about what you do?

I love the incarcerated. As a whole they don’t wear masks. I’m a no nonsense person. I don’t want to wade through a few years of “chit chat” before we actually get around to the important things in life. They are wonderful women who are anxious to change. They just don’t know how to start and I’m willing to take the time and help them. It’s very rewarding.

Q: If you had a genie give you three wishes for your work, what would they be and why?

(1.) Lots of money…I would like to see us build an apartment complex for the incarcerated after they are out and working. They need affordable housing and in a decent part of Nashville to live. Many places will not rent to a felon.

(2) Prisons with classes and rehab systems that really work. Along with good staff that care.

(3) Counseling for the inmate while incarcerated and when released.

Oh and did I say LOTS OF MONEY??

Q: What is the one thing you hope Thrive reader’s take away from reading about you?

Don’t be judgmental about those that are incarcerated. Only 5% are mean, 45% want to change but don’t know how, and 40% are good people who made ONE bad decision. yes, they need to be punished, but they also need to be given a better chance of change. Unfortunately, we set them up for a fall before they are released. It saddens me when people can be so judgmental and mean spirited toward a prisoner. We are all just “one decision” away from prison.

About Leaving The Cocoon (LTC)

In 2007, Leaving The Cocoon (LTC) partnered with the Tennessee Prison for Women’s Pre-release program to provide their reentry mentoring component. LTC became the official women’s mentoring program for the Tennessee Department of Correction. According to Richard Dixon, the Director of TDOC Volunteer Services, Leaving The Cocoon is a “pioneer in reentry mentoring”. Leaving The Cocoon’s mission has been to show Christ-like compassion to the needs of the incarcerated and help them rebuild their lives outside prison. With this in mind, LTC is helping the newly released “butterfly” to reach their God-given potential. Since 2003, a continuum of support for the whole woman has been provided largely through a powerful team of mentors who come by way of many of our church partners. Leaving The Cocoon’s long-term vision is to offer pre-release & reentry mentoring as well as affordable counseling to every incarcerated individual reentering our communities. With LTC, women find a safe haven where they will not be judged.

About Vicki Harvey

Leaving the Cocoon was established in March 2003 by Vicki Harvey, a suburban homemaker, mother and wife. While working with the Federal Prison Ministry, Vicki resolved to solve the recidivism problem that plagued our country by making mentoring, counseling, and discipleship readily available to incarcerated women. From 2003-2007, Vicki mentored 60 women. She knew that if she multiplied her efforts by training and mentoring mentors, she could better help the women. Her mission became “getting every woman in prison a mentor if she wanted one.”

In 2008, Vicki put LTC “on steroids” with Malinda D. Wilson, a counselor who specialized in reentry and transition issues, who also shared similar views and convictions. Unlike her relatives whose lives where devastated by these addiction and incarceration, she was able to complete college receiving her Master’s degree and is now working on her doctorate in Clinical Counseling. For over twelve years, Malinda developed programs with ex-offenders and their families through Project Return, Men of Valor, and Restore Ministries of the YMCA. The two resolved together to offer mentoring and counseling programs to all regardless of their ability to pay for them. In November 2008, Vicki and Malinda hit the recidivism problem by taking ex-offenders who have no (or very few) resources or networks. LTC helped them to establish themselves through mentoring, counseling, and a “continuum of care” services- basically helping with whatever needs arose in their life-plan.

The pre-release program at the Tennessee Prison for Women is designed to successfully transition the women from incarceration to reentry through a three phase progression. As a volunteer driven organization, LTC has over 40 mentors who contribute nearly 190-200 hours each month. In addition, LTC is responsible for training, supervising, and evaluating mentors for all the candidates of this program when they enter and participate in the second phase of reentry. Mentors are committed to visit the mentee at least twice a month and write letters during the intermittent weeks. These visits will continue until the inmates, Leaving The Cocoon “butterflies,” are released back into society. As they leave prison, mentors remain in relationship with their mentees as they relocate for an additional six months. During this period, mentors take their mentees to lunch, dinner, the movies, shopping, worship, or any other “girl” thing. The mentor has become her confidant, friend, sister, or mother for a short time. Often times these relationships last for many years.

Leaving the Cocoon (LTC) can be found on the web at http://www.leavingthecocoon.net/

Doing a cleanse or detox is a proactive way to improve the quality of your health. You may chose to do a cleanse in preparation for pregnancy, to prevent cancer, because you feel sluggish, have acne, allergies, eczema, PMS, joint pain, hypertension or carry excess weight. Or maybe you just like a healthy challenge. Spring is the best time to do a cleanse because fresh food is plentiful and our metabolism naturally speeds up. During the winter our body is distracted with fending off colds and flu and detoxification slows down.

What is Detoxification?
Detoxification is the process of clearing toxins from our body by neutralizing or transforming them so they can be eliminated. Detoxification involves dietary and lifestyle changes that include the reduced intake of toxins and improved elimination. Normally our body creates toxins on a biochemical and cellular level. If these substances/molecules/toxins are not eliminated, they can cause irritation or inflammation in the cells and tissues, blocking normal function. This is when symptoms start to occur. Our body is well equipped to handle a certain level of toxins. Toxicity occurs when we take in more than we can eliminate. The effects that toxins have on our body depend on the dosage, frequency, or potency of the toxin. For example, a toxin may produce an immediate effect to a certain drug or pesticide, but more commonly, the negative effects are long term, for example long time asbestos exposure leading to lung cancer.

What is a Toxin?
A Toxin is any substance that creates irritating and/or harmful effects in the body, undermining our health or stressing our biochemical and organ functions. We acquire toxins all the time from our environment either by ingesting them, breathing them in, or through direct physical contact. Microbes such as intestinal bacteria, foreign bacteria, yeasts and parasites all produce metabolic waste products and are examples of toxins that our body must handle.

THE GOAL is to enhance the elimination of toxins and to prevent their build up by assisting our body in detoxification day to day.

GENERAL DETOXIFICATION SYSTEMS

• Respiratory- lungs, bronchial tubes, throat, nose, and sinuses
  Mucous is the body’s way of trapping invaders.
• Gastrointestinal- liver, gallbladder, colon and entire GI tract
  The liver helps transform many toxic substances into harmless agents. It releases waste through the gallbladder and into the intestines, where it is eliminated. The liver is the main filter that neutralizes our toxic environment.
• Urinary- kidney’s, bladder, and urethra;
  The kidneys help make toxins water soluble and allow for excretion through the urine.
• Skin- sweat, sebaceous glands and tears;
  Our body eliminates toxins through sweating. The skin helps to excrete fat-soluble toxins such as the pesticide DDT and heavy metals such as lead. Skin rashes are an example of a build up of toxins.
• Lymphatic- lymphatic channels and nodes;
  wollen lymph nodes can indicate excess toxin build up.

WHAT COMPROMISES DETOXIFICATION?

• INDUSTRIAL CHEMICALS: Virtually everyone is exposed to halogenated hydrocarbons, such as PCBs, at some level everyday.
• PESTICIDES (including herbicides and insecticides): These compounds are most commonly found on and in our food as well as in the air around areas of farming.
• ENDOCRINE (HORMONAL SYSTEM) DISRUPTERS: These are found in plastics, Bisphenol A, PCBs, some pesticides, synthetic steroids found in meat and dairy and DDT. Biologists have noted problems with sterility and malformation of sex organs in many species linked to the presence of these toxins in the environment. They account for the many hormonal complaints we see in our population like endometriosis, PCOS, infertility, and thyroid problems.
• TOXIC METALS: Lead, mercury, cadmium, arsenic accumulate in the body and cause DNA damage which can result in cancer, depression of the immune system, anemia, hypertension, kidney disease, and increased tooth decay.
• FOOD ADDITIVES AND PRESERVATIVES: The toxin exposure over which we have the most control is through what we put in our mouths. Food is medicine, you become what you eat and if you put toxins in then you become toxic!
• DRUGS: Both recreational and prescription drugs can damage the liver. Many prescribed medications require your liver enzymes to be tested every few months to ensure that you liver has not been harmed. Drugs such as anti-depressants, synthetic hormones, and anti-bacterials can also enter our bodies from contaminants in our water.
• CAFFEINE, TOBACCO, ALCOHOL, SUGAR, SATURATED FATS AND HYDROGENATED OILS (aka.trans fats): Each of these burdens the liver and damages our cells through lipid peroxidation.
• HOUSEHOLD CLEANERS AND BEAUTY PRODUCTS: Some of the strongest chemicals that we are exposed to are in the home and include cleaning products, soaps, perfumes, creams, makeup, deodorants, toothpastes, baby products etc. They are absorbed into our bloodstream through the skin. Beyond the direct harm these substances cause to our health, they also do unfathomable damage to our environment where we come into contact with them again through our air, soil and water.

In Sum, Cleansing…

• Improves energy level
• Helps us to cope with stress Improves recovery time after strenuous exercise
• Improves physical performance and stamina
• Removes impurities from the body for improved health and better absorption of nutrients
• Strengthens the immune system
• Helps prevent degenerative diseases
• Improves bone strength
• Improves the production of collagen for joints and ligaments
• Improves memory, concentration and focus
• Promotes weight loss
• Is for anyone who wishes to look and feel young and healthy

LIVE IN WINDSOR?: Dr. Natasha is hosting a guided Community-Wide Cleanse from May 3-9, 2009. You can register at: http://www.proactive-healthcare.com/

On so many levels writing an article about women and shoes seems like a stereo-typical womens article and is NOT something I would normally want to entertain. The fact is I find it much easier to write on any topic other than this one because at first glance an article on shoes? Well how much more shallow and materialistic can we get?

However, I came up with this crazy series because of a website I stumbled across. Dave The Shoe Guy has created an entire business out of selling women’s shoes. $7 million to be exact bought by 35, 000 of his customers. (Seriously, THIRTY FIVE THOUSAND??)  Then he made me laugh, asking “What is it with women and shoes??” I had to admit, he had me hooked! I’ve often wondered myself and the fact that a guy who has sold that many shoes to that  many women is still asking intrigued me!

Well Dave gave me a challenge and I love a challenge. So in my normal fashion I did what I always do when I don’t have an idea of what I am talking about. I hit Google and started researching my face off when the most amazing thing happened! I started learning there is much more to shoes then I’ve ever given any thought or consideration too.

I was amazed at what I discovered!

I discovered there is a controversy over whether or not the “heel” can or cannot be attributed to Leonardo Da Vinci. (DaVinci!!) I also discovered there is a women scientist that has done a study to show wearing a pair of moderately high heels can tone the body, condition muscles, and improve a women’s sex life without the need for onerous exercise. The complete study is at www.uroweb.org/publications/. I even found a Youtube video teaching me how to walk in high-heels. (Too bad YouTube didn’t exist 20 years ago when I strapped on my first pair of heels but I digress!)

The fact is that I’m a pretty simple girl. I like to look pretty and appreciate the height that a heel gives my short stature but I wouldn’t say I am obsessed - not even close. When I am at home I go from my flip flops, to my crocs, to my running shoes, to my practical flat black”everything” shoe but I wouldn’t say that means I am a shoe fanatic.

As much as my husband finds it hard to believe - in women circles - I don’t fall into the realm of the “fanatic shoe girl” at all. I don’t make shopping for shoes a priority. Then again, as a general rule I find the whole idea of “shopping” a necessary evil that I MUST do annually to replace certain items. I have often thought that having a body double take care of that hassle for me would be ideal. That said, I’m not completely out of sync with the world of women.

Case in point?

My friend skips buy my office in her new pair of designer something or others, stopping momentarily to stick her foot in and show off her new shoes. I coo accordingly, she says some Italian name that vaguely sounds like DaVinci only to have her cock her head with a smile as she comments “You have no idea who that is do you?”. The truth is I don’t but then again I don’t know fashion in general. It’s never really bothered me because at the end of the day I still can recognize a cute pair of shoes and appreciate the way it makes my friend look amazing.

I also understand this “mostly” universal truth - women wear heels, men don’t. It sounds over simplified but it’s an understanding that unites women. For example: Men get out of a cab late for a meeting and run without hesitation. Women get out of that same cab, see the cobblestone road, look for another safer path and THEN run carefully not to twist our ankles. Men wear their comfortable shoes all day with little thought at any point! Women, on the other hand, have learned to expertly dangle our shoe from our toe to give our foot a break as we pound out a report.

I personally believe it’s these types of differences that make it a requirement for women to notice each others shoe efforts. Let’s face it, when we see a women clicking along in a pair of stilettos after watching her present for three hours in front of an audience we are impressed. The least we can do for our fellow sister is to acknowledge her effort!

After all, those heels she’s teetering so carefully on may be a work of great art and the best invention provided to the fashion world by the great artist DaVinci…

… or maybe not.

I live a life where awful things happen…regularly.  Tragic death at an early age is a common occurrence in my extended family.  Nine first cousins have died young, not to mention my newborn niece, my father and dear friends.  It has devastated my family. It has shaped how I feel about growing old.

For me, growing old is a blessing! Every morning I wake-up is reason to celebrate.  I have been given another day! I have more time. More time to mindfully treasure every single thing I love about my world.  More time to embrace endless possibilities.  More time to become the person I want to be.

I didn’t always feel this way.

I used to bounce through the years oblivious to who I was and what I wanted from my existence.  I made hasty decisions that didn’t enrich my world or nurture my soul. I received a university degree in a field that wasn’t my passion.  I spent years at various jobs without loving my work.  I married the wrong man and nearly lost myself in the process. My path was a muddle of clumsy choices that led nowhere.

I was wasting time.

An unrelenting succession of tragedies snapped me out of my inattentive stupor.  Beautiful lives were being cut short all around me.  My loved ones were disappearing; their potential for living long and satisfying lives, evaporating.  And suddenly I understood.

Growing old was not a guarantee.

This realization transformed my world.  I finally grasped that today was the only day I had to create a life I loved.  I had no time to waste on meaningless pursuits.  No time to fret about the physical and social symptoms of getting older. Every new day meant I was still here!  Every waking moment was another glorious opportunity to live consciously, happily and with fulfillment.

So after years of drifting aimlessly, I changed course.  Armed with clarity and a determination to cherish every second, I began the journey to a fulfilling life.  I left the miserable marriage and found myself.  I went back to university and completed a program I loved.  I married the right man and had a beautiful baby.  I embarked on a brand new career with zeal.

I found joy.

For me, growing old isn’t a guarantee.  It is a gift beyond measure.  To grow old means I can fulfill any vision I have for myself and my world.  It means I am knowingly present to enjoy the moments that fill my heart with delight.  The warmth of my son in my arms.  A simple cup of tea.  The crisp air in winter.  The love I share with my partner.

It means I have been given more time.

About the Author
Mary Lou Roe is a social activist who believes that changing the world begins with changing ourselves. A freelance writer with a Diploma in Women’s Studies, she has a keen interest in exploring and understanding the experience of women in societies around the world. A devoted mother to her young son and an active member of a large extended family, Mary Lou brings her high energy, natural organizational skills and honed communications abilities to everything she pursues. Join Mary Lou as she takes us into the lives of women around the world and asks us to pause and take a second look at familiar - and not so familiar - people and situations, perhaps gaining a fresh new perspective on the world as we know it.

I remember when I was growing up their was a hit show called ‘Thirty-Something’. At the time, the actors were my parent’s age and being a kid all I knew is that they were old…like my parents.  I laugh now thinking about this but then again I thought teenagers were ‘old’.

I had a conversation with a couple of girlfriends about that show. I mean no disrespect to the actors but it seems to me that those ‘thirty-somethings’ look like today’s ‘fifty-somethings’. What’s even more amazing is those actors reunited a couple of years ago and they looked the same (or can I even say better) then they did in the 80’s. (Check out the photo of them reunion!) How is that possible?

Well besides the obvious plastic surgery that was done (yes they had some) there is something greater at play.  It’s not just Hollywood actors! It’s my fifty-year old neighbour who runs marathons and just had a baby.  Now I realize that’s rather extreme and I’ve met enough fifty-somethings who have told me they would never want to deal with a newborn at their age. Yet,  there was a day when she would be making headlines.  Now it’s a passing moment of interest, a shrug of the shoulder, and nothing more.

Through speaking with the Boomers in my life and reading a few articles I realized this generation is giving us all a wonderful gift. Just as they have done with every major life stage boomers are transforming and changing it into something radically different.

Now the idea of embracing aging is not something that Boomers can claim is an original idea.  There is a group of people that live just outside of Japan on the island of Okinawa that holds the claim as the best place on earth for healthy aging. In fact, they have more people over the age of 100 years old than anywhere else in the world.  They do it better than anyone else but what is changing here in North America is that as Boomers approached aging they didn’t like the stereotypes that came with it. So, like every other major life event - they simply decided to reinvent it.

Consider this, I am now a thirty-something that has been married coming up on 13 years. I’ve had a mortgage for 12 years and I’ve had a full-time career for almost 15 years.  If this were the 80’s I’d be expected to be approaching my mid-life crisis shortly. Instead, the message I continually receive is that I have my best years ahead of me. How incredible is that? Dare I say it?  In this new world, I am still considered young.  I say bring it!

There are other changes that have happened as well.  Changes that are  brilliantly healthy and keep us young at heart. Gone are the days where women are expected to look like moms when they have children.  I had one women share with me that when she was raising her children she was chastised for taking time from “mothering” to go to the gym.  Her social group considered her vain and questioned her priorities because she’d dare to leave her children to invest in herself.

Today, every women understands the wisdom in taking care of their bodies physically. The health and energy it brings not only makes for happy mommy’s but that in turn brings a level of energy into parenting that is definitely positive.

It’s so positive that it’s even changing one of the shallowest cities in all the world - Hollywood. In the cut throat business of entertainment nobody thought anything about telling actresses over forty that their time had ‘ahem’ come and gone.  NOW it’s a whole different story. The list of forty-something actresses that are actively engaged and in demand is long. I did a Google and was shocked to learn just how many are 40+.  The list? Julia Roberts, Halle Berry, Nicole Kidman, Heather Locklear,  Kelly Preston, Salma Hayek, Sandra Bullock, Demi Moore, Courteney Cox, Teri Hatcher, Lucy Liu, and Elizabeth Hurley to name a few.

All these actresses can thank the Boomer generation for the longevity of their careers.  Boomers are sending a message that 40 isn’t old and you can bet that trend will continue as Boomers continue to redefine “old”.

Personally, I just want to thank Boomers for changing the way we look at aging.  It’s a new thing for North America and I think it’s been long in coming.  We still have a long way to learn what the Okinawans have known for generations but thanks to the Boomers we’ve just taken a healthy step in the right direction!

What exactly is my attitude toward getting old?
I was fortunate to have great female role models regarding my attitude toward aging. My mother never dwelled on her age, never focused on it at all as far as I could tell. And never denied it when someone asked her how old she was (though she may have thought them impolite). In fact, she expressed that she thought it was a silly vanity when women would deny their age to people. It seemed to be a non-issue for her and, in turn, it was a non-issue for me. Now, it didn’t hurt that she had great skin and a beautiful, flawless face all her life. Mind you, on the other hand, her hair began to grey in her 40s like most of us but she didn’t seem to fuss about it.

My grandmother on my father’s side was fortunate to have very good health and lived on her own until she was into her 90s. I didn’t know her because she lived overseas but I was told she walked to the market daily, kept her home in order and would regularly knit items “for the old people” at the nursing home. We always laughed at that. Obviously, she did not consider herself old like them. And I have always wondered if that is one of the reasons why she wasn’t. I wonder if the perception we have of ourselves and the attitude we choose to take about our aging play important roles in how we approach aging and in how it affects us.

So, you might think that, with these impressive examples in my life, I would have a really healthy attitude toward aging, wouldn’t you? The truth is, I thought I did too. But, in exploring my thoughts on aging to write this article, I found myself getting quite stuck. On the one hand, I believe “getting old” is nothing to fear, we just need to have a positive attitude and a healthy perception of ourselves (see above). But then I had an “ah-ha” moment as I was writing about the importance of a good attitude when I realized that my good attitude had a whole lot to do with the colour of my hair! When I’ve had a fresh colour done, I feel great. When my roots are coming in grey, I become more conscious of my looks, wondering whether I’m beginning to look old and I start thinking a lot (and sometimes worrying) about aging. Yeah, not a fun realization. So then I wondered, “What exactly is my attitude toward getting old?”

After all, when you stop to think about it, it’s actually kind of odd that we cringe – perhaps involuntarily – when someone talks about “getting old” or asks us about getting old. Because, really, there is no other option. From the moment we are born, we’re getting older.

So maybe it’s actually the difference between “old” and “older” that gets to us. Most of us don’t mind getting older . . . we mind getting old. Interesting distinction. 

Then I had to ask myself, what does “getting old” mean to me? And I’ll be honest, I had a hard time coming up with much more than an image of someone slow, quiet and not well. You see, my impression of “old” doesn’t have too much to do with an actual age number because, throughout my life, I’ve always known people who had a high age but who don’t seem “old.” So I think, for me, it’s more about how people act.

That said, I also realize that health can play a large factor in an individual’s aging process. Good health is a blessing that many people are simply denied as they age. I witnessed my own mother’s decline as a degenerative disease weakened and eventually stole both her strong body and mind. And my father-in-law too slipped away from us by degrees after a devastating heart attack. Within a span of only a few years, I witnessed these two strong, independent goers whither physically and mentally. And I have to tell you, my view of growing old became irrevocably changed. Something I had never put a whole lot of thought into began to fill me with dread.

So you see the dilemma? Is getting old dependent on your attitude? Is it dependent on your health? Or are some people simply too immature to get old? Hahaha! We were way overdue for some humour here. So then I thought, maybe I needed to come at this issue from a different angle. What if I answered the question, “When do I feel young?” And that was easy. I feel young:

• When my hair is freshly coloured (shallow perhaps but true)
• When I’m dancing.
• When I’m laughing.
• When I’m walking in the sunshine.
• When I’m sharing a great time with my son or my friends.
• When I get things in order at home.
• When someone finds me attractive.  

I realized that when I’m engaged with my world (socially or by myself) and doing what pleases me, I feel alive – enthused and focused and happy. I have energy and feel youthful. And you know what? When I am detached from my world and not doing what pleases me – not working toward my goals and dreams – I feel miserable and sometimes lost. And that can also make me feel feeble. Which makes me realize that, to me, the concept of “getting old” really is about how we approach life. 

I’ve known people who seemed old before their time. And I’ve known older people who, even when not physically well, were getting on with things the best they could and they didn’t strike me as old. It’s not about the passing of the years. No one can keep themselves from getting older. But we can keep ourselves from getting old. 

And you know what? I actually like getting older. Yes, my body has begun deteriorating. My eyesight has gotten worse, for example. But, when I find that upsetting, I remind myself that while I don’t see as well as I used to, in many situations I “see” things so much more clearly now than I ever could have before. Life experience has given me perspective and wisdom.

Have I paid the price of my eyesight for inner sight? Perhaps one could say that. But I prefer to think of it, instead, as a metamorphosis, like when a caterpillar becomes a butterfly. The caterpillar may never walk in the same way again but now it can fly. So too, my sight has evolved. And instead of thinking of it as paying a price, I prefer to think of it as growth or development. It’s all about attitude. 

So I’ll colour my hair and try to keep my home in order and continue to dance and laugh with my son and my friends. And walk in the sunshine. And I’ll get older but, hopefully, never old.